I Owe You An Apology

Opening a pathway to a loving future

My Dad called me last week. He doesn’t call me very often, but when he does, he usually has something on his mind. My Dad is a practical and curious man with a tremendous amount of energy. He always has a project on the go and likes to figure out how things work. He lives in a pine log chalet style house that he designed and built in the 1970’s as a family cottage in Muskoka, Ontario. He fell in love with the lakes, rivers, granite stone shores and hard wood forests of Muskoka as a boy. The landscape of the Canadian Shield holds his heart and the beauty of nature is a constant companion to the mystical, deeper nature of his soul. At age 84, after bouts of cancer, he is still in good health and chops and stacks twelve cords of wood, with the help of my brother, to heat his home through the long Ontario winters. He also loves the world of knowledge he can access on the internet and is always excited to learn something new. Sometimes he calls me when his mind is stimulated and he wants to talk about something he watched on youtube. Sometimes, he is just sitting on the dock watching the sunset, misses me and calls to tell me he loves me.

I live on Vancouver Island. I fell in love with the westcoast landscape as a young woman and it has been my home for over 30 years. The ocean, abundance of sea life, the great rainforests and mountains nourish my soul. I live in a little old cottage right on the beach in Comox, BC, facing the Salish Sea. Last week the incredible natural phenomenon of the annual herring spawning season was just beginning. On the day my Dad called me, I was watching eagles soaring in the sky and hundreds of sea lions floating in the waters just offshore. I saw his number pop up on my cell phone screen. As soon as I answered the phone he immediately said “I owe you an apology”.

I was startled and surprised. I paused and replied, ‘Um, ok, why do you need to apologise to me?’

He said, “You were right. You are a wise woman and you were right.”

Confused, I asked, “What was I right about?”

“The covid. You saw through the lies and I didn’t. I fell for it and I owe you an apology.”

Now I was really stunned.

Dad continued, “I can’t believe I fell for it. You tried to tell me and I didn’t listen. Daughter, I apologise.”

I fumbled for words. “Thanks Dad. Thanks for apologising. That means a lot to me. Not many people are able to apologise for what happened during covid. Thank you.”

He continued, “I’m really sorry. I got taken in by the bullshit. I got four of those vaxxes. But now I know.”

I asked, “What changed for you Dad?”

“I’ve been watching the youtube in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I started to figure things out about what’s been going on. And I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

I responded, “Dad, you know I was really surprised when you fell for the propaganda. I wondered what happened to you and your ability to think critically. I hoped you would eventually figure it out. It took you awhile, but I’m glad you’ve thought about it.’

“Well, I see things now that I didn’t notice before. And I just want you to know that I love you and I respect you and you are a wise woman. And I just wanted to call to tell you that.”

“Thanks Dad. Thanks for calling me. I love you too.”

We exchanged a few more words. I hung up the phone. Still stunned.

I make a trip to Ontario to visit my family about once a year or so. During the plandemic, with extreme lockdowns, medical insanity and restrictions on visiting and travel within Canada, connecting with my family was strongly impacted. I assumed my family had noticed the serious flaws in logic about pandemic measures and that what was being broadcast on media was mostly propaganda. I was quite frankly shocked when they fell for it. Both my parents have degrees in education and sociology. They always strongly encouraged critical thinking and questioning the mainstream way of doing things. My Mom had already entered into stages of Alzheimers when the pandemic hit. After a long career in public health, she knew something wasn’t quite right but didn’t have the faculties to make informed choices. My Dad went along with the program of vaccinations, isolating, masking and testing. I wondered what happened to my critical thinking family. And what the hell had happened to the critical thinking capacity of so many people around the world?

I emailed lots of information to my Dad and siblings at the beginning of the pandemic and then again during the height of the forced vaccination program. I was feeling seriously threatened by the Canadian government and medical establishment, and I wrote about it in my article that went viral, 6 Million Canadians Detained in Largest Prison in the World. My perspectives and choices were different from my family and many friends. Eventually I just had to give up on trying to convert them to my point of view and choose love and acceptance over fear and judgement. I flew to Ontario to visit my family in the summer of 2021, when discrimination against the unvaccinated was peaking. My Dad asked me to get tested before I came to visit him. I felt threatened, angry and hurt. I told him I would come as I am or I would not come at all. He wanted to see me. So I went, unvaxed, untested and perfectly healthy. We had a good, but at times strained, visit.

I visited again in summer 2022. The draconian travel restrictions against unvaccinated Canadians were finally lifted and I was able to attend my nephew’s wedding, postponed twice due to covid mandates. My Dad gave a wonderful, heart felt speech at the wedding party. I was really proud of him.

The impact of my Dad’s call and apology eventually hit me several hours after I hung up the phone. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I really let myself feel, perhaps for the first time in my life, how much my Dad loves me and how much I love him. I felt the hard and fearful impact of the covid mandates begin to release out of my nervous system. I let myself feel the hurt feelings I had hidden in my heart. I let myself feel the isolation I felt from family and friends. A weight that I hadn’t even noticed I was carrying, lifted. I felt freer. I felt lighter. I felt hopeful. I realized I never expected nor was I waiting for an apology, but damn, it sure felt good to receive that acknowledgement from my Dad.

I’ve been telling friends about the apology and the conversation I had with my Dad. Each time I tell the story, I see tears glistening in people’s eyes. I feel their surprise, relief and grief. I feel their hurt and their hope that they may receive an acknowledgment or apology from an estranged loved one. One man told me he was deeply moved by my story and but also how sad it is that a simple apology, once an ordinary occurrence, is now a big deal.

Today I am grateful for my Dad and grateful to be his daughter. I appreciate the humility that allowed my Dad to reach out to me, to offer a sincere apology and to be open to learn and see life from a different perspective. And I appreciate myself for being able to keep my heart open and hold a space of loving acknowledgement through darkness and adversity. It is the love that my Dad was able to express and that I was able to receive that matters more to me than the apology. I hope that my story is a beacon of light that inspires many to open the inner door of the heart and see a pathway forward to a brighter, loving future.

Summer 2001 in Muskoka, Ontario